How to Let Go of Regret in Midlife — and Make Your Next Move

How to Let Go of the Past and Move Forward: The Power of What’s Next

Have you ever replayed something so many times in your head that it practically deserves a second season on Netflix?

The conversation you wish had gone differently.

The decision you’d make differently knowing what you know now.

Or maybe it’s not even something bad.

Maybe you keep thinking about the time when you were thinner, work was easier, the kids were younger, or you felt more like yourself.

Looking back isn’t the problem.

Living there is.

On this week’s episode of Off Duty Life, I talked with Scott Dotson, author of Par for the Soul and founder of Own Your Headspace, about how to learn from the past without letting it take over what comes next.

And Scott said something I haven’t stopped thinking about:

“I don’t want to miss the next opportunity because I’m focused on something that happened long ago.”

Yep.

Because while you’re busy staring in the rearview mirror, your actual life is still happening right in front of you.

Looking Back Isn’t Always About Regret

We tend to think “stuck in the past” means obsessing over some terrible mistake.

Not necessarily.

Sometimes we’re stuck in a time when things were GOOD.

I see this all the time with women in midlife.

“In my 30s, I could…”

“I used to…”

“This always worked for me before…”

Okay. But your life isn’t the same.

You aren’t the same.

Scott pointed out that everything has its time. The person you were 5, 10 or 20 years ago helped create the woman you are today, but you don’t have to keep trying to recreate her life.

You can appreciate who you were without requiring her to tell you who you need to be next.

Stop Reviewing the Damn Footage

This is where Scott’s love of golf becomes a pretty damn good metaphor for life.

You hit a terrible shot.

It lands in the trees.

You can stand there pissed off about how it should have gone.

You can analyze the swing 47 different ways.

You can let that one shot ruin the next 17 holes.

Or…

You can play the ball from where it landed.

Scott calls this the power of NEXT, and it comes down to four things:

Accept what happened and own your part in it.
Learn from it.
Let it go.
Focus on the next opportunity.

Not pretend it didn’t happen.

Not slap a positive affirmation on it.

Learn what there is to learn and then take the next shot.

You May Never Get the Closure You Want

We also talked about our obsession with closure.

We want the apology.

The explanation.

The conversation where the other person finally understands exactly why they were wrong and we were right.

Wouldn’t that be tidy?

Unfortunately, other people don’t always cooperate with the ending we wrote for them.

Scott’s question was much simpler:

Is carrying this helping me or not?

Because if your ability to move forward depends on somebody else finally saying or doing the thing you need them to do, you’ve handed them an awful lot of control over your life.

Sometimes moving forward happens without the pretty bow.

Maybe You Need a Chisel, Not a Sledgehammer

Toward the end of our conversation, Scott brought up what he calls the Michelangelo effect.

Michelangelo supposedly described creating David as removing the stone that wasn’t part of the figure.

Scott applies that idea to his own life.

When he notices something about himself, he doesn’t want to carry forward, he tries to chip away at it.

That immediately got my attention.

Because we LOVE a sledgehammer.

New plan.

New routine.

New me.

FIX IT ALL BY MONDAY.

But most meaningful change isn’t nearly that dramatic.

It’s one choice.

One reaction.

One moment where you think:

I don’t want to do it that way anymore.

Then you chip.

And chip.

Scott put it perfectly: it’s the hundreds and thousands of small decisions that eventually add up.

So, What’s Next?

Maybe midlife isn’t asking you to figure out the entire rest of your life.

Maybe you don’t need the five-year plan.

Maybe you don’t need to completely reinvent yourself.

And you definitely don’t need to keep trying to become the woman you were 15 years ago.

You can look back.

Take the lesson.

Keep the parts of yourself you still like.

Leave behind some shit you no longer need.

And then ask one much smaller question:

What’s next?

Not forever.

Not the rest of your life.

Just next.

Listen to my full conversation with Scott Dotson on Off Duty Life

Links

Facebook group https://www.facebook.com/groups/fitgirlmagic
Tik Tok https://www.tiktok.com/@kimbarnesjefferson
Instagram https://www.instagram.com/kimjeffersoncoach/

Off Duty Club
https://theoffdutylife.com/odc_sept

website: http://ownyourheadspace.com
instagram: @‌scottdotson67
Facebook: Scott Dotson + Own Your Head Space
book – Par for the Soul available on amazon https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0GY7DXRVG