This week I was able to sit down with Deanna Bryant on my podcast and it was one that we so needed to talk about and a topic we really needed to touch base on! Deanna Bryant is a midlife marriage strategist helping women cultivate new meaning and deeper intimacy with their husbands. Her coaching business, Revive Your Midlife Marriage was born’as a result of’the challenges she and her husband faced in midlife. After the kids were older and they had more one-on-one time together, they realized their relationship had broken down.

Like most couples raising children, dealing with chaotic schedules, running a’household’and building careers, they’d put the relationship on the back burner. The result was intimacy atrophy. They had to go back to the drawing board and rebuild by learning the skills for a thriving marriage- something few of us are ever taught. Today, their marriage is on the right’track,and they are’practicing what they’ve learned. This experience is the passion behind Deanna’s’6-month’VIP program for women who want to be an impetus for change in the marriage.It takes two to tango, but one partner has to invite the other to the dance.

One big thing that we’see,and experience is change in one person. We are humans, we are ever evolving and changing. And the same goes for us even in a relationship or marriage. So many of us believe that we are always going to be the same people we were when we got’married. And that is just not the case. We are a constant series of changes. We learn as we’grow,and we are always growing and becoming. We also learn from our mistakes and sometimes feel like we always’have to’redefine ourselves.

Here is the disconnectWhen one or’both of the spouses’are’changing,and they are not talking about it! It comes down to, Ok, I am choosing this, I am going to do this, this is what I need to do for me.And our expectations are what gets us into trouble . The unspoken expectations.We have the idea that if I change, and I start doing it this’way, we should be on the same page. And sometimes this can be a problem when one’changes,and the other feels threatened about who they are becoming.

When we expect someone else to’follow the changes we are making, we get into the I want to change you to be more like me. This is a dangerous place to be because we cannot think we are better than them because of these changes we are making. We’have to’accept our spouses where they are at that time in their own personal growth.

Ok, so what about the person who is just trying to speak up more and’rise up’a bit more to make some of the decisions in the household’ This’has to’be done because we know as women, as we’age,we get stronger.So,if you are in a relationship and they call all the shots, but you want to have a voice in things, then you’have to’be heard. But be sure to come at it in a way that they hear your message in a way that does not come across badly. Instead of attacking back in situations, start with Can I give you my thoughts on this’ and you should always be able to speak up because no spouse should tell the other spouse how it is going to be and that they cannot have a say in things.

How can you open that conversation, how can you open that door to talk about these things if you are afraid of confrontation’ And it all comes down to, you’must’let go of the outcome You are speaking your truth and that is the only thing you are responsible for. Whether it is’understood or heardYou speak your truth for you and let go of the outcome.If your husband or spouse becomes defensive or angry, that is their problem. That is their deal.So,if and when’they are getting angry Stop and ask, What about my sharing that with you makes you angry’At this point, you are going to get down to the root of it! Then, hopefully, they will share their feelings and get into a better dialogue with that!

We also’have to’stop 1 upping the other 1 in a relationship. There is no’score card, and there never will be. No one is better or less than the other person, so there is no need to try and one up the other person all the time.

How does a marriage grow together’

By continuing the dialog. Sometimes you think you outgrow your spouse, but what is really happening is you don’t know how they’ve’grown,and they don’t know how you’ve grown because you stop talking about it. A lot of times what a couple used to fear or dream back in the day, what used to hurt them changes over the’years. And unless we are talking about those things, through asking questions as if you don’t know your spouse that well, you are just going to always assume you know your spouse.

Our marriage and relationships should be a constant dialogue of communicating hopes, fears, dreams, and what they are struggling with. This grows the’intimacy,so you are not growing’apart,but you are understanding each other better so you don’t grow apart and go your separate ways. It’s about sitting down and asking what is going on.

In my marriage, Rona forced us to be together all the time and before’Rona, we’were always coming and’going,and we never had a conversation about just nothing. And now, this has increased dramatically. And this has happened in many families, engaging more, talking more. But on the other side of that, the couples that were in a big mess have been forced to face the fact that they don’t have any’intimacy, they don’t have anything to talk about and the’divorce’rate’actually went’up during Rona.

We think, Well they just don’t do it for me anymoreOk..but WHY!’ What is it about’ Is it mental’ Physical’ Slurping coffee’ What is it that is bothering you about them’
I do hope that on the other side of Rona, that it has also helped people to look at their relationships and say I know there are things we need to work on. I know we aren’t connecting and what can we do to help this or work on this And head back to the’drawing board!

Couples can get into going out so much, now that things are’opening up’again, but it’s just business. They’re having fun and enjoying themselves, but they aren’t really connecting on that deeper level. So that intentional time together with one another is super important. Make time to connect with that person.Off the cuff time’and scheduled time with that person. To just BE WITH THEM and to connect with them on another level. And if you’have to’have a conversation with that person about’something.If you wait for the perfect moment to have conversations, then you probably won’t. Something will always come up, so you’have to’be intentional with taking these moments with that person.

The biggest take away from this podcast when you listen is just to LET GO OF THE OUTCOME. This is what it is like for raising children You are doing the best you’can,so you’have to’let go of the outcome of who they are going to become. We’have to’do this in’our marriages’as well. If we are always expecting a certain outcome, then we are setting ourselves up for it.

So after today, the biggest thing you can do is FOCUS ON COMMUNICATION! Even if the first 20 years of your marriage had crappy communication, does not mean you can’t turn the corner!There are more resources out there than ever before, from relationship coaches to different books! There is so much you can be listening to or reading that’can help you with your marriage.One great place to start is with John Gottman’s work which is key for relationships. It is life changing and work looking into.

I am not saying you can save every marriage, but I think a lot of marriages end before they get the chance to learn the skills to fix it. We are not taught to have a marriage growing up. It is all trial and error. Typically we are thinking, I will do it like my parents or go to the opposite extreme and none of them are good. You’have to’come to a middle way of being, not to either extreme.

RememberI am happy because I choose to’be’and I choose to work on my marriage and not expect it to be a fairytale. Because we know that NO MARRIAGE IS A FAIRYTALE!

Choose to be in a relationship
Choose to love.
Choose to be here in this relationship.
Choose acceptance

Now I don’t say ignore’problems.We don’t accept everything but accept the things you cannot change about your spouse.They’have to’accept things about you that are just YOU!

Listen.. We don’t want you to be that statistic. And if you are going to be that statistic, we want to make sure you say I tried to do everything I can and check the box before you say I am out.. So reach out to Deanna if you have any questions or just want to talk. She is truly amazing and CAN help you and your spouse if you are willing to try!

What makes you feel magical’

When I am in that place of peace, that is not dependent on what’s going on around me. That’s my magical place.

Because I can’t control what’s happening around me. But when I can get into that place of peace, that is my greatest desire is to be in a peaceful state. And if I can find that peace’in the midst of’whatever’s going on, that’s my magical place.

LINKS

Facebook Page:https://www.facebook.com/kimbarnesjeffersoncoach

Facebook Group:https://www.facebook.com/groups/fitgirlmagic/

Website:https://kimbarnesjefferson.com/

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Podcast:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/fit-girl-magic-healthy-living-for-women-over-40/id1476883661

Revive Your Marriage
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FREE resource:
3 Simple Steps to Cultivate Intimacy with your husband.Http://www.reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com

The post Are You Ready To Take Control Of Your Struggling Marriage appeared first on Kim Barnes Jefferson.

And this is why I wanted to have Marie Carmel on who is the founder of the non-profit The Unwed helping women grow into their best selves and using divorce as a means to do so.

She is a single mom of 4 and after going through her own divorce knew that she needed to create a community where women can come together, learn from one another, relate to one another and overcome divorce.  You were married, now you’re not, and you are divorced. What do you do now’ What happens’ How do you survive, how do you thrive’ These are all questions that we want to know, and Marie has great insight on making it work and all that life throws at you.

I wanted to talk about divorce because I know many people who have been married for decades or have been with the same person forever and all of a sudden, they come home and realize it’s not working anymore for them… What do you do’   We know that divorce can come down two ways, it either comes out of the blue and you are totally blindsided, or more often you felt it coming from one side or the other before it happens.  And regardless if you are prepared or not, it shatters your entire world, and it may actually be one of the most significant changes in your life! 

40-50% of all marriages end in divorce. The divorce rate for 2^nd marriages is even higher. While it may feel you are the only one going through this, you are not alone.
Divorce doesn’t have to be this terrible ending in this relationship, it can just be that your relationship has come to an end.  And both spouses are ready for the next part of their lives post-divorce.

Should I stay or should I go”’

This is a question that Marie gets asked ALLL the time!  But there is literally no right answer for this.  There is no magical answer that says on this day or this many years in you leave your spouse.  When you are ready you will make the decision, but you won’t until you are ready.  And WHEN you are ready, you will have to look up Marie’s private Community called The Unwed.

As I said before, Marie created this movement, The Unwed, after experience with her own divorce and realized that there are LITERALLY NO RESOURCES out there for women to go to for help, answers, to talk to other women.  There is nothing and she saw the need for it and the importance of it to build up this community.

There are so many other people like you and sometimes your close friends just don’t know what to say to you or how to comfort you. And this movement is there to help women AFTER their divorce. It is a community where people can come together and relate so you don’t feel so lost and alone!   UnWed is that community of people that can empathize with you and give you advice and just help you through that time in your life. You’ll find the tools and resources that this community has to offer.

DIVORCE CAN BE EMPOWERING.

For years many thought of divorce as this dirty thing you needed to hide. Marie is here to tell you that divorce It is not going to ruin your kids’ lives and you aren’t going to live in poverty.

Post-divorce, healing will most definitely look different for everyone. Some people do need to engage and just get things out, then some need to just sit and observe and in the meantime, the group is covering topics every week that are specific to divorce.  And honestly, most of us are not ready to start any type of work after a divorce, so just coming into the group, reading other experiences and sitting back and taking it all in is totally fine!  Marie and the group just want everyone to know that they are not alone, and when they are braver and gain the strength they begin to engage.

You come out of a marriage and you are hurt and you are raw and you need someone who is just as raw and just as hurt as you are to understand what you are going through and to help guide you down the right path of the first step to do. And year one will be the hardest for you.  I am not going to sugar coat it.  Some days she felt like she was going crazy, Marie didn’t have unrealistic expectations, and focused on making progress every day. For her, it’ was about reaching into yourself and doing the work, however, that looks for you. And the work is never-ending, you never reach an end post but that is what makes it so beautiful.  It is the journey. 

If you are reading this or you listened to the podcast and you are in the beginning of you divorce journey, here are a few things Marie recommends that you do:

• The hardest thing is the fear of the unknown, so seek legal advice, hire an attorney if your state requires it to protect yourself. They will help you as to what your options are moving forward. You then will know what you can and cannot do. Get that advice so you more confident making decisions moving forward
• Divorce decrees must be done right the first time. So, you need to make sure you are protected. And you are entitled what’s yours and get what is legally owed to you and make sure that you fight for that right.
• Then, the work starts with yourself right then. (and this work looks different for each person.)
• If you have children together, make sure to focus on the children. Everything that you do you want to be in the best interest of the children.
• Do not put your kids in the middle. They did not choose this. DO NOT make them a pawn in this game! Your kids can and will be okay, and divorce is hard but that doesn’t mean your kids’ lives will be ruined.
• When both spouses have the children’s best interest at heart and work together after divorce, it becomes the best outcome. They still have two parents, so there is no competition.
• Reassure your children that just because mom and dad aren’t together, the children should not have to choose and repeat to them that it is not their fault.
• You want your children to have that relationship with both their parents. It doesn’t do anyone any good for anyone if they do not.

During a divorce, people are scared and alone and do not know what they are going to do, but this group helps so many women tremendously.  I LOVE that Marie’s passions for this and for this group comes through the microphone when I spoke with her on this recent podcast.  I have a love-hate relationship with social media, but a group like this is what can be so beautiful about it…  A place where women can come together as one and open up to one another.  There are beautiful things that can happen after divorce and it is nice to have a place to go to and be present.

If you need a tribe, The Unwed is your tribe! Or reach out to Marie personally.  She is amazing and many of us need to learn from each other and hopefully get ourselves over the hurdles faster, easier and with more clarity.

What is one thing that makes you feel magical’

“My love of learning and connection makes me feel magical!“

You can find Marie on Instagram @the_unwed, LinkedIn and on her website https://www.theunwed.com/ where you can find more information about her courses as well as her private community!!

Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/FabFitSquad

Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/fitgirlmagic/

Website: https://kimbarnesjefferson.com/

Podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/fit-girl-magic-healthy-living-for-women-over-40/id1476883661

The post You Are Divorced Now What appeared first on Kim Barnes Jefferson.